This is totally embarrasing to write, I could cry just thinking about it, so please don't judge me harshly. I have been feeling like a bad mom. Van has been acting out and I of course feel it's my fault, since I'm at school a lot.
Help give some insight if you can.
Lately, Van has been asserting his temper and we can't seem to find a solution. Here are a few instances:
When we were leaving the museum with friends, Van didn't want to leave yet, so he said "No, I don't want to go!" and stomped away with his arms folded. I will tell him I need to talk to him and try to pull him aside (since a theory I've heard is that its best to discipline in private and praise in public.), apparently I've said this to him a lot because the moment I begin to speak, he will say "NO, don't talk to me!" It's super upsetting and embarrassing to hear him say this. When at home he will usually sit in time out and then afterward say sorry, but in public, it's a bit impossible for a time out: since that involves him screaming his head off. I just don't know what to do. I've talked with him about not saying those words because they are hurtful, but doing that has kind of cemented that into his vocabulary. So now whenever he is upset it is the first thing out of his mouth.
What's even worse is that he has begun to say it to teachers and other adults. When he was at his gymnastics class, the teachers asked him to wait on the mat until it was his turn, and he stormed off, arms folded, saying "don't talk to me!" and they don't know what to do with him. We have taken him aside and given him choices of staying and listening to his teachers or going home. He chose to stay but the next moment told his teachers "no", so we ended up leaving with a boy who's kicking and screaming.
I'm not sure where all this anger stems from and I feel that it's him acting out because I'm not around enough. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel helpless against the anger of my 4 year old.
If any of you could suggest good books to read, or methods that have worked for you (although I'm sure not this extreme). I am totally open for suggestions.
We are definitely wanting to nip this in the bud NOW. I just want my sweet boy back and I don't want it to rub off on my sweet Weston.
3 comments:
I already get that sort of behavior from my two year old. First off, it isn't because you're in school. Sorry to say, but he'd probably be doing the same thing if you were home 100% of the time. I don't have a 4yr old, but have been spending a lot of time with a friend who has a 5yr old who is having the same sort of issues Van is. Here is what she is doing and it seems to be helping, albeit slowly. First off, when he acts that way in public, take him home immediately after that first warning. Yes, it will be annoying and an inconvenience to you adults, but it will work. Second, have him loose a privilege or a toy. This can work at home and out and about. He is old enough to know what you mean when you say "If we have to go home because of your bad behavior, you will loose X toy for the rest of the week," or "you will have to sit in your room during family movie night tonight if you talk to mommy that way." Then STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Verbalize to him that his bad choices lead to unpleasant consequences. Finally, when the punishment is over, ask him to tell you what he did wrong, then ask him what a good choice would have been.
Don't worry about people judging you by the behavior of your child. I think most parents have gone through that stage and we only feel sympathy. Anyone who judges me can go take a flying leap for all I care. Trust me, they'll think you're a better mom for following through and taking him home kicking and screaming then to just ignore the behavior or let him walk all over you.
I totally feel for you. Josh has embarrassed me by his terrible behavior out in public (church is the worst) countless times and he can't even talk back to me yet. You will get through this. Be firm and set boundaries. You can do it! You are a good mother!
Thank you Lauren! I am glad to know I'm not alone. The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realize it's because between Derek and I we are not consistent. Derek will do one thing then I come home and do another. So we've decided to sit down and hash out exactly what the disipline will be.
Thanks for the examples, that helps.
Here is another thing that might help out. I watched a show one night on PBS called Raising Cain, which is about the education of boys. It was very insightful. It lead me to read one of the books they talked about on the show called Under Deadman's Skin, which goes into the violent play boys tend to act out. I am starting to read the book Raising Cain now. It give a lot of insights into how boys think and act. I'm Josh's mother, but I have never been a boy and no matter what people may say, there is a difference between boys and girls that we mothers need to understand. Finally, to round all that out, I would suggest reading Christlike Parenting by Glen Latham. It is a very powerful book, though it deals with a lot of teenage issues. I just thought of another book I read, Why Gender Matters. I hope all these can maybe give you an idea of how to better communicate and understand your boys. I know it's helped me out.
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