I've been keeping a secret (something I totally can't stand), I've been pregnant (10 weeks). However, I had some feelings that something was different with this pregnancy: mainly that I wasn't super sick. Derek thought that must mean it's a girl, but in my mind, I felt that this baby wouldn't be staying.......I was right. Last night we went to the hospital; I was having a miscarriage. Funny thing is I wasn't surprised, so all the people we ran into who don't really know what to say and can only tell you they are so sorry, I didn't even feel that bad about it. Not to say that I'm not sad about it. I did want this baby and I do want more.
At church last week, I found out that someone had just had a miscarriage the week prior (and we would've been exactly the same amount along). She told me that she just reminds herself that there is a plan and that there are reasons that these things happen. I am so glad that I spoke with her, because I don't know if I would've been in such a good place. As I prayed about it, I came to the realization that it's going to be okay. I felt reassured that there is a plan for me and my family. Yes, it IS a sad thing and yes the baby was wanted, but it's going to be okay; I know there will be another baby in our future.
As I was looking this up online, I read how common this is and that there really wasn't anything I could do to prevent it. Some how that made me feel better.
I don't even know why I feel the need to post this, but here it is. Maybe someone needs to hear this or maybe I need to put it into words to help myself heal.
***Update: so okay, so it took me a few days, but it did hit me one night: that I will never be able feel him/her kick and never hold this baby. That fact, plus seeing all the blood and tissue leave my body (and knowing my baby is in there somewhere)....it all became too much for me and I began bawling. All night and in the morning, then I felt much better. It felt good to break down and cry (sometimes that's what you need).
2 comments:
Oh Katie, I am soooo sorry. It is a tragedy and I hope you take the time to fully mourn the loss of this child. It doesn't matter that you only carried them for a little while, it was still a baby. My heart goes out to you, my dear friend. I will be praying for you.
This was some of my same feelings I had. But I didn't know I was pregnant it was my 1st. The loss never clicked or made me feel sorrow, until later when I thought maybe I had done something wrong, but like you I found it was common. It is a doctrinal stick up for me, I want to think that these spirits are getting bodies no matter how small, and that means a sweet spirit is waiting for me. love you!!!
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